How To Ruin a First Date

It’s amazing how often I see women make mistakes that can kill a date before it even gets started.  You are out to have a good time and you want to be yourself, but there is some information you just want to save for later on.

I have been on hundreds of first dates and there are a few things that a woman can do to kill my attraction for her instantly.  It’s true that men are visual, but having nice looks just gets you a first date, if you do something weird you can ensure that there is never a second date.

How Many Exes?

One of the biggest mistakes women do on a first date is talk about an ex.  I have seen the entire spectrum of women who do this and it’s NEVER a good idea.  I have been on dates where women talk about how their last boyfriend was abusive and now he’s in jail, how they have had sex with over 100 men and the last one was just a few hours ago, how they are still in love with their ex, how a certain ex was the best lover ever, how her last boyfriend was the one but just didn’t realize he should marry her.  I could go on and on.  I have seen it dozens of times and every time I without exception I think about how inappropriate it is.

Even if I tell a woman that it’s not ok to talk about her exes, usually she won’t stop.  Because she has made it a part of her character.

I can usually tell a lot about someone based on the stories they tell in conversation.  Younger women often only have stories about their parents or siblings.  A little later in life, women have stories about their friends.  Before long, some only have stories about their exes.

If a woman only has stories about her exes this tells me several things about her.  She is perpetually in relationships and that is a big red flag for me.  I want to be with a woman who is complete on her own, as Travis teaches about in GirlGetsRing.  I also know that a girl ditches her friends as soon as she’s in a relationship, otherwise she would be telling stories about them.

When I hear about a woman’s exes I start to compare myself to them and I don’t like that.  I only talk about my exes in my books and blog posts, I never talk about them on dates.  I don’t want to make a woman I’m with uncomfortable and you shouldn’t do it to a man.  You might be thinking right now that there is an exception to the rule, but there really isn’t.  Talking about your exes is always awful on a first date.

Do You Want to Get Married?

I talk extensively in GirlGetsRing about my one blind date.  My dad set me up with a girl who was just awful.  One of the many mistakes she made was asking questions that let me know she was clearly husband shopping.

Let me be clear: I want you to marry me because you think I’m amazing, not because you want to be married!

Husband auditions remove every single piece of specialness from a relationship.  Why would you ever want to do that?  It’s ok to screen a man and see if he’s good husband material, but don’t be OBVIOUS about it.

Do not ask a man if he wants to get married, if he wants to have children, where he sees himself in five years, etc.

All these questions are big red flags.  I’ve actually recently decided that I’m finally old enough to consider settling down — but these questions still freak me out.

The Interview

I’m a savvy conversationalist.  I have written several books on dating and communication, given numerous lectures and personally trained hundreds of men on ways to improve their conversational and dating skills…and yet I still go on boring dates.

Some women will do whatever it takes to be on a boring date.

Here is a secret about women: you will ask boring questions and then get upset with a man for giving boring answers.  This is a huge problem in online dating that I discuss in The Perfect Profile – women make boring profiles and then can’t figure out why they are getting boring emails.

On a date you don’t want to ask questions.  Normal conversation is a flow of statements.  When you are talking to your friends, it is almost always a group of people taking turns telling stories.  The only time we get asked questions is at job interviews and on bad dates.

I know that sometimes you are both nervous and can’t make the conversation flow.  So it is ok to ask questions – they just have to be open ended.  Don’t ask him where he works.  How much money he makes.  Does he have any brothers and sisters.  What’s his favorite color.  How was the commute to work.

You want to ask interesting questions:

What’s your best friend like?

Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater?  Why?

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

What makes you happy?

I know these are deeper questions, but there is nothing worse than being boring.  It’s the ultimate curse on a woman and it’s just as bad as being called desperate.

If you can avoid these three mistakes your dates will start going a lot better.  And that will make life so much easier.

Why First Kisses Go Bad

If you have ever been on a first date, you have probably had an awful kiss moment.  This is one of the most important things I have to teach men about because it’s mostly our fault.  But the truth is that women never really help us.

If a man takes you on a date there is a 90% chance he wants to kiss you.  He is only waiting and really just paying his taxes until you give him the sign that he has: spent enough money, told enough good stories, spent enough time with you.

What you need to know is that men cannot read your signals.

I know that it’s hard to believe but all of those subtle little signals you are sending out are only understandable to other women.  I have stood next to a student while a woman kept leaning in closer and closer to his mouth and he didn’t realize what was happening.  She would close her eyes, tilt her head and lean in toward his mouth.  He wouldn’t react and she would rock back out.  I had to sneak up behind him and tell him that I would punch him in the kidney if he didn’t kiss her.

That might seem extreme but it was the only way that woman was ever going to get kissed.

The worst thing that can happen on a first date is the awkward front door moment.  I spend so much time teaching my male students how to avoid it, but it always amazes me how many women will actively create this socially awkward moment.

The earlier you kiss on a date the better.

Please have the courtesy to remove the elephant in the room.

He is only pretending to listen to your story about your sister’s new job.  All he’s thinking about is that moment.  Is she going to kiss me?  Is she not going to kiss me?  Am I wasting my time?

If you ever wonder why men don’t remember anything you say on a first date, that’s why. It’s a constant track running through the backs of their minds.

Is there a solution?

Of course there is!  I wouldn’t leave you hanging.  I am going to teach you a kissing technique that has been passed down from male dating coach to male dating coach for generations.  This is the first kissing move I ever tried, and it worked great.

Just say to him, “Do you want to kiss me?”

Now I know that sounds scary, but don’t worry.  There is an escape hatch.  Besides, don’t you want to know early on if you are with a guy who’s not interested?

There are only three possible answers: yes, no and maybe.

YES – “Then what are you waiting for?” and kiss.

NO – “Oh, you just looked like you were thinking about something.”

MAYBE, “Let’s find out,” and the ball is in his court.

By moving the kiss forward in the date you avoid creating an awkward situation that actually makes you no longer attracted to a man.  If you have that front door moment, there is just too much pressure.  It forces you to recall way too many movies and that’s something you really want to avoid.

So just get it out of the way so you can have a nice date.